The night of May 25th, 2017 changed my life forever. I had asked my husband to keep our 3 month old over night so I could get a full night of sleep. I communicated with him several times that evening asking how she was doing in which he would reply that she was doing okay, never mentioning that anything was wrong. I went to work the next morning and while I was doing a massage, I heard a knock at my door. That had never happened to me so I immediately knew something was wrong. My boss told me to go to the hospital because my baby was there. At first, I didn’t think it was serious, I figured she was just having bad reflux or something similar to that. I realized something was terribly wrong when I called my mom and she was sobbing telling me that my daughter was barely breathing. That drive to the hospital was the longest drive of my life.
I walked into the emergency room at the hospital and I remember being so confused and hearing a horrendous sound coming from a room, and I thought “that sounds like it may be a baby, but there’s no way that’s my daughter”. It was her. I went around the corner and I saw about ten nurses and doctors running back and forth in and out of her room. They began asking questions I didn’t know the answers to. I walked over to her bedside and looked into her eyes. She was still making a moaning sound but what stood out to me most was her eyes. I had just looked into those eyes the day before and they were full of life. When I looked into them that day, I saw nothing. She had a blank stare as if her soul had left her body and she was just lying there barely hanging on. They took her for a CT scan and came back telling me that she had bleeding on her brain. By that time my mom had arrived to be with me. Our pastor had also arrived and I had a feeling of deja vu. There I was, ten years after my father had passed away, with my mom and pastor, devastated and begging God to save my loved one’s life. I could not believe I was having to go through something like that again.
My daughter ended up coming off of the ventilator after two weeks. Doctors would tell me devastating news daily about how she would never recover. I remember I would go days without eating because my heart hurt so badly. I would sob, and then feel better having hope that she would be okay, and then begin sobbing again. I felt every emotion possible. I remember sleeping on a chair every night and wondering if we would ever get to leave that hospital because everything was so unknown. Once she began to wake up after being taken off of life support, she began to cry and move her arms and legs a little. That gave me hope, but at the same time, she couldn’t even open her own eyes, she was nothing like she was two weeks prior. Doctors would come in and tell me that she would probably never open her eyes, and if she did, she would be blind because the part of her brain that enables her to see was dead. They would tell me what they believed happened to her. Her doctor told me that her injury was so bad, that it was as if she had fallen from a two story building. I remember thinking “no, you’re wrong, there is no way.” I could not accept what she was telling because I couldn’t handle the images that would pop into my mind when she’d say stuff that, like my daughter’s head flopping back and forth so hard that it caused her brain to bleed.
I can look back now at my journey and see all of the many blessings in the middle of my trials. The trials I lived through have completely changed my life for the better. I still struggle daily, and continue to go through trials, but they get easier to handle. My experiences have grown me in a way that only they could accomplish. My faith has grown through all of this and I am so thankful. When I was down to nothing, God was up to something. I couldn’t see that in the moment, but every single time I could look back and see it after the trial was over. Do I wish things were different sometimes? Do I have bad days where I become exhausted and cry? Do I get down when I see other toddlers who are doing so much more than my daughter? Yes. When I do, I pray, I write about it, and I give it to God. He lifts the weight from my shoulders, puts a peace in my heart that only He can give, and holds me until I’m done crying. Without God, I couldn’t handle this. He is my strength, my refuge, my hope, my peace, and He will continue to carry me through this journey I am on.
My girls and I before the injury, and then a photo that was taken after the incident.
Taken from Sierra’s blog.
Her episode, launches today at 12PM, HK time, and can be found at the Moms Special Too Podcast on Itunes, Spotify and Google Podcast.